Thursday, April 7, 2011

Forgiveness Letter

i forgive you for making a bet about my innocence and for trying to destroy it.

i forgive you for equating me and the people i love with pedophiles and zoophiles. i
forgive you for being so controlling and manipulative with your children, your wife,
and with me. i forgive you for taking me in relatively whole and sending me home
broken. i forgive you for the stress and anxiety as i worked through what i lived
through last year. i forgive you for the harm you do to people i love and to me. but
i forgive myself for letting you. i forgive myself for acquiescing in the name of new
cultural experiences. i forgive myself for thinking it was because of my queerness
that it felt as bad as it was. i forgive myself for being unable to fix it for the next
volunteer. i forgive myself for not being able to protect myself and leave.

i forgive you for not understanding. i forgive myself for the frustration of explaining
queer. i forgive myself for not keeping connected. i forgive myself for feeling guilty
when i needed time to renew.

i forgive you for believing that i can only be passionate about my queerness. i
forgive you for not hearing or listening to me. i forgive myself for not finding a way
to be heard.

i forgive you for tearing apart my church. i forgive you for driving away the best
connection i have to my home congregation. i forgive you for not living up to your
call and ordination. i forgive you for impeding the hearing of the gospel. i forgive
myself for not speaking up in time. i forgive myself for not knowing what to do or
how best to do it.

i forgive you for getting divorced.

i forgive you for resigning and not telling me.

i forgive myself for not loving myself as god's beloved child. i forgive myself for the
guilt i feel because of how, where, when and to whom i was born.

i forgive so that now i can live into genuine relationship with those around me.
i forgive so that i can pursue intentionality in life and love.
i forgive so that my walls can begin to come down.
i forgive so that i might know others more deeply.
i forgive so that i can have the freedom to be me, whoever that is, 100%


emily e. ewing
Chicago, IL

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